Trying our best to forget the non-appearance of the team at Fulham last week, those of us with a defensive nature stuffed our boots in our pockets in the hope of getting a game should the threatened crisis turn out to be true. The fog in Bishop was as thick as Mag, and showed no sign of abating as we trundled north eastwards. However, we know what happens when you get up Houghton Cut, and the East Durham limestone escarpment didn’t let us down, with the sun bursting through the gloom as we passed the Hillside cemetery. I’d been due to buy my Christmas present in the club shop, so that’s where I headed. You’re not allowed to walk directly past the main entrance, which I knew – pain in the arse but perhaps understandable – but today you weren’t even allowed to use the first level of the car park. According to the stewards it’s because “the players park there and don’t like being harassed.“ I told them how ridiculous that was, and when I came out of the shop five minutes later (them not having the nice wallet I was after, and won’t have until after Christmas - sort it out Quinny, they had none three weeks ago last time I tried either) the stewards were gone. In the wrong place, or the powers that be suddenly realising what a stupid and pointless exercise it was in the first place? Who knows.

Anyhow, on to the football. Or lack of it, as it turned out. With McCartney fit, we lined up

Fulop
Noz Da Silva Turner McCartney
Campbell Cana Henderson Reid
Jones Bent

Somehow, Russell Anderson made the bench, obviously sneaking past the suspension that normally follows a sending off. Or do reserve games not count? A very poor Pompey turnout was matched by their team, who were pretty grim. Which doesn’t say much for us. We had plenty of the ball, and Noz decided that today was the day to become an overlapping full back. He crossed to Jones, who knocked it to Campbell, and the deflected shot won a corner, then Reid won a free when pushed by Ben Haim (aye, that Ban Haim), but no goal was forthcoming. The visitors got the first shot on target, which was easy for Fulop, then Cana fed Bent in the inside left channel and the low cross was cleared. Noz was involved going forward at every opportunity, and found Reid whose cross was headed wide by Jones. Jones got in a shot from Bent’s layoff, and it took James two goes to keep it out. Another Noz rampage found Henderson, who produced a lovely nutmeg and cross. Reid knocked it back in, and Bent shot on the turn to make it 1-0. Surely we’d build on that, against a visiting side completely reliant on O’Hara and the pedestrian but still tricky Kanu.

No we couldn’t. We continued to lose the ball in midfield, and Cana was booked when he flew in to try and recover a mistake. He probably tackles the cat, his missus, and the postman as well. Noz (again) played a nice 1-2 and the low cross was scooped just wide by Henderson. The ref made his one decent decision of the afternoon when he switched a throw to us when Pompey tried to steal about 25 yards, then George decided to have a rampage of his own and won a corner, and it ended with a volley over the top from Henderson. The Pompey few managed to get the stewards involved, but it was us who showed on the field as Noz found Hendo and he got it to Bent, but the shot was wide. On 40 Jones got his first free kick despite being pushed all over from the off, but there was no second goal. While being well worth the half time lead, it could and should have been a much bigger one, and it was as much down to their being rubbish as us being better.

The best sustained football of the afternoon came from the two smallest teams ever to grace the turf – during half time two bunches of tiny tots from the Russell Foster league passed and played their hearts out. Great stuff, but then it was back to the alleged real thing. Hreidarsson (sp) managed to get himself booked before kick-off, presumably for having an awkward surname. The start was bright enough, as we won two corners and generally created a bit of havoc in the box, but then allowed them to win three corners of their own, the passage of play ending with a comfy save by Fulop. Henderson tried our next corner, but it was poor, then Noz decided to burst into the box and shoot – well over. At least he got the crowd going, all charging about, headband at the ready to intercept, foot ready to block. The worst tackle of the game, on Campbell, brought no card, but at least the free kick ended with a shot from Jones. Shame it was a foot the wrong side of the post. On the hour, Kanu was replaced by Pingu (or something like that), then the pantomime season really started.

First Noz fell over his own feet when the ball was dead, rolled over a few times for effect, then sprang to his feet as if he’d meant it all along. Pompey joined in by falling over, passing the ball straight out of play, then tackling each other with such vigour that the physio was required. For some reason, Campbell abandoned the wing and took up a central midfield position, then Bent and one or two Pompey lads were booked for raising their hands above their waists. Nonsense bookings, and ones that’ll get the game done away with, as my granddad used to say. The resultant effort from Reid hit the top of the bar, and Murphy replaced Jones with seven to go – much to the delight of the Daz Murphy fan club behind me. Not. The game ended with an anxious few minutes, four extra added, and Steed on for Bent – half an hour after he should have been on in my opinion. A corner to the visitors, no Jones to help the defence, and Kaboul was there to scramble the ball into the net. It couldn’t even be said that they deserved it, and he summed up just how bad they were by taking his shirt off to celebrate, and getting a second yellow. Idiot.

As the Pompey few celebrated like you do on such occasions, we had time to think of what went wrong. Where do I start? We couldn’t hold the ball, we kept giving it away in midfield, and we in the stands could see an undeserved equaliser even if the players couldn’t. Much of the blame for this one must go to Bruce, whose tactics were way off mark. The players either play well or they don’t but it helps if the manager puts them in the right place. Campbell’s future is not as an attacking central midfielder, and Malbranque should have been on much sooner. Defensively, we were fine – but against better teams than Pompey (like Villa, for instance), if we play like we did today, we’ll get our arses well and truly whupped.

Man of the Match? Noz, by a mile. Defensively decent, the new look charges down the flank got the crowd on their feet and provided good entertainment, and several chances. I want a Noz headband for Christmas.

Keep the faith

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